Our Year

As I look back at this year, I can't believe all the changes and stages Lincoln and I went through.

The year started in the roll over stage.
We then moved into the sitting up stage.
Next came the crawling stage.
Then we went into the standing/cruising.
We finish the year in the walking/running stage.

I feel like our/my life was like that too.

Rolling Over:
Getting used to going back to school in January was tough. Rolling over takes strength and will power. It takes energy and muscles. It takes effort. If you are going to master rolling over you can't give up. It took lots of energy and it was non-stop work for me. I was up earlier than the crack of dawn feeding and getting ready. Waking up Lincoln was so hard. Who would want to be awake in the 5:00 hour? School wasn't tough, I had a great group of students, but I NEVER stopped. I didn't get a break because I pumped every "free/non-teaching" moment (or had to ask for some "free moments"--lunch/recess). Then I would go get Lincoln/go home right after school. My day didn't slow down until I prepared for the next day. It was a cycle where you would push off every morning and give it all you had to make one complete roll each day. The rolls got more manageable and that's when we entered the sitting up stage.

Sitting Up:
I felt like I didn't want to be stuck on the floor as time passed. I was a little stronger so it was time for a new stage. I could see more things from a different position, this time as I sat up and tried to get my balance. From this view things were better. I could see more clearly even if I wasn't always comfortable with the surface (days) on which I was sitting. Sometimes the days were hard and uncomfortable because I was exhausted or ready for a break. I was constantly counting down to a break. Other days were comfortable and I felt at home with others who surrounded me. The motions of the work week became old hat, as time drew on and I sat up without a problem. The teaching aspect wasn't something about which I worried because every day previous lessons or new ideas would come to me. However, something tugged at me from within to keep going and explore.

Crawling:
It seems that many times you start looking for the next stage and forget to enjoy your current phase, but I think something about this phase just hit me without me being ready. I feel like this is one stage that terrified me, but I entered it nonetheless. Crawling away from something that is known and into the unknown is not something that is easy for me. Change causes me to pause for confirmation that I'm doing the right thing and many times as kids start crawling towards something they will look back just to see if people are watching or if they get a shake of the head no. I rocked back and forth for a few months, after I was confident in sitting, but couldn't commit to going forward. I finally put my knee out in front of me and decided to resign. Yeah. This was me saying I was going to step away from my current teaching position. There were a few movements forward but then I would stop and look back at Jeremy, my family, my friends to try to get confirmation. I prayed about the decision but just wasn't feeling as if I knew what to do. I kept going and wrote my letter, but kept feeling anxious about falling. Once I turned in my letter, I knew I couldn't go back to just sitting. I was on the move. Sometimes things seemed like hindrances when I didn't feel as if I was completely supported (because people were going to miss me) while other things ahead of me made me excited to venture out of the comfort zone of my home for 8 years. I creeped and crawled a while because it was still hard to accept what I decided to do. I looked at my surroundings for other options in fear we'd be stretched thin for money when I could have kept a perfect job. I felt like I had to explore since this was new territory. I turned down a job at an online school because I realized I don't really want to crawl somewhere I just exited for a while. Then I decided to crawl into another area I hadn't visited or thought about. Jeremy's assistant decided to leave and work for her dad so I decided to fill needs with him. Sometimes the crawling movements were quicker than others. Sometimes I acted with confidence, while other times I hesitated because the surface was different. Lincoln did just the same as he was learning to crawl on hardwoods. He would stop every time he left the carpet. Sometimes he would inch out into the hallway and turn around. Then he finally got comfortable and headed out to his next adventure. I did just as my 8-12 month old.

Standing/Cruising:
Although I entered into the "room" of technology and decided to pull up and walk around something new, I still crawled all the time. I was trying to figure things out. My brain and heart were split and I didn't know what to do. I said I helped Jeremy out here and there, but that I stayed at home. While this is true, I helped him out lots (just like I was still crawling). I wasn't comfortable on my own feet in an area where I was not an expert. I'd toddle around but I'd have to hold on. My hands were constantly texting Jeremy to make sure I was doing things correctly. I came from a job where I was comfortable doing everything and anything, but this was totally different. I felt frustrated because I wasn't an expert. I'd fall from the standing up position and have to return to crawling. There were times I felt comfortable after doing something multiple times and my confidence would heighten, but then I'd be asked to do something I hadn't done before and I'd squat back down. It taught me about being humble and relying on others when you don't know how to do something (and I'm not really used to this). Aside from everything, I also realized how much Jeremy does at work and how much he knows and does for me because I don't know much about technology.

Walking/Running:
As the new school year, at the new school continued I finally learned to step out and take a few steps on my own. I became confident in a few skills and took baby steps towards doing them without help and without being afraid of falling/failing (or interrupting class). At first it was a few steps, and then I added a few more to that. I feel like I can walk with confidence in a few areas. I can run on some surfaces while I'm still getting comfortable in others. However the terrain isn't always conducive to running, especially for someone who has had every technology need met for her over the years. I still fall. I still need help. I still like to be carried. Sometimes I return to crawling or just sitting if I become fearful, but in the end I look back at all the skills I've accomplished and am amazed at what the Lord has done. Never would I have ever thought I would up and leave a perfectly good job to stay at home. I didn't think that would be my niche. I thought I would get "bored" at home. I didn't think I would be able to entertain or teach my child. I even told a few people that over the years, but boy did my heart shift. I might have gotten a little too confident in my ability only to be taken down a few notches or even falling to make me see God is capable of so much. I knew my heart was made to teach even at a young age so I didn't think I could ever quit something I loved. Sometimes He does things like that to move us into the next thing that we didn't even know existed. Many times we focus on our current stage and place in life and aren't staying in tune with what might be next. Although that's a good thing sometimes we can be blindsided by something we didn't think would interest us. On that note, I never thought I would work with Jeremy for a season either. I am still getting comfortable saying I actually work for him or that I have a part time job. I don't know why though. Either way, this stage of walking/running changes depending on what I'm doing. The longer I stay at home the more I feel like a stay at home mom. It's in this area that I feel like I am running because I'm comfortable. I cautiously look ahead of me because I want to make sure I am aware of obstacles and opportunities. It's in this stage so much fun can be had because others join the adventure. Already, I've been able to attend a Bible study with other moms every other week, have had time with family, and even play dates with some friends. I honestly don't know what's next. I don't want to rush out of this stage, but then I don't want to feel as if I'm not using the skills I have. I am finally becoming more and more clear about what I don't want to do these days and how I want to spend my life.

Move? I don't know. There are things I love about NZ's education system. There are also things I would miss about being here. There are always pros and cons.

New job? Maybe. As I was finishing up college, I often thought about teaching at the college level. I also love designing curriculum. Does that mean get my PhD or work at a community college for a while until I get another degree? Does that mean work for a textbook company or somewhere that can help teachers design incredible lessons? I do know that I can't think about going back to getting up at 5 something. That was too hard on my body! I do know that I'm so thankful for this year. I can't imagine how sad I would be this year if I wasn't able to do what I am doing.

So there you have it... the story of my year- 2015. It was a crazy ride full of changes and new things. I'm just to just the same ol' same ol' so it definitely through me for a loop! 2016 will be filled with changes too I'm sure, but we are praying it is filled with community so maybe that will help me along in the journey.